··· all of me ···

The holidays are usually a time for both tradition, friends and family... but this year has been different.

Thanksgiving went off well, without a hitch... but as I get closer and closer to Christmas - the more I wish that we had the means of being with our loved ones.

I'm thankful to have Antonio over the course of the next 18 days, for Christmas Exodus... and I'm sure we'll find much to explore in the area that surrounds us... but we'll definitely be missing those we care about most - outside of each other.

I know he must be feeling this loneliness just as much as I am... but we'll figure it out.

It's just difficult wanting to be anywhere but here.

...that's how, honestly, I feel out here a lot of the time.

I used to always hear people, when I was in high school - say that if they were a stereotype, they would want to be Asian.

...you know, "good at school" - "good at tennis" - "good with instruments"...
...yeah, not so much.

These days, I have to remind myself that I'm a real person too... and that I'm allowed to be alive and well, just as much as the next. Almost every day, I get a reminder that I'm different.

I'm EXHAUSTED of having to ignore dirty looks. Maybe I'm misinterpreting them, but all I know, is that these looks aren't welcoming, aren't politely inquisitive - and some days - it honestly looks like if *they* could get away with it, murder would definitely be a possibility. All because I look the way I do and I can tell that when some people see me - they think I'm the kid of a "Viet-Cong", or a Filipino "bar girl", or even someone Hispanic...

People even say things without realizing how ridiculously ignorant they seem. They don't know the facts of the cultures they speak of, and they don't realize - I'M part of that culture in some way. It's a slap in the face.

On top of that, people who do seem like me, who share similar ethnic backgrounds, welcome me, then all at once turn away when they find out that I'm not 100% what they are. Either they don't like my mix, or they think I'm a let down for not speaking my native tongue and who knows what else...

All I know is that on every angle - I feel like an outsider.

It's like it's 1990, and I'm the "chinky" little girl who doesn't quite fit in at her school in San Marcos, CA. The only Asian in the entire elementary... but this time, it's not kids who are throwing around meaningless insults - it's people of all ages.

On top of that, I don't have very many friends here - and it's hard to make them - along with finding things to do, outside of suburbia... and it's tiring.

I feel really alone right now, and I don't even think my own husband quite understands, because he's their own color... he has light eyes. He's not SO different that they notice right off the bat. It's SO hard not to let it get to me, that sometimes - I find myself crying without really meaning to. In the times when I'm not, I crave being around ANYONE educated, who understands...

I can't imagine if they found out the other things that don't even show on my face. I'd probably be tied to the back of a truck and dragged out somewhere... left to rot. :\

I'm tired of being the ugly duckling.
I REALLY, REALLY miss being in an urban city... and I'm REALLY starting to despise the accent.

*These* are the people who say that people should learn to speak English if they're going to live in this country. Someone should tell them - they can't even speak it properly.
It's LAZY.
...and I honestly feel like it's a disgusting mix between someone who's constipated and has been hit in the head too many times.

It's weekends like these that make my move all worthwhile.

I've had Tony to myself the past few days and it's been WONDERFUL!!

On Wednesday, I prepped the chicken and cooked most everything... and then picked Tony up to have Chinese food for dinner. I returned with him to the base and slept in the car (in my trunk, hiding) - so that on Thursday morning, I could pick him up from the barracks first thing. We were SO happy to get him out of there - ^_^... good thing too, is that his off-post packet was just turned in - so there might be more of this to come!!!!

So, when we got home on Thursday, I threw the chicken in the oven and made the tomato-basil stuffing and roasted brussel sprouts... pulled everything I made out of the fridge and we had cranberry/orange walnut sauce, creamy truffle & chive mashed potatoes, broccoli chicken cheesy soup, tiny walnut pies, sweet potato souffle, etc. right at 12, and that's after allowing the bird to rest ^_^

He even bought me flowers, as a surprise, which I loved!!!



Oh man, we ate.. then passed out for a good 4 hours while watching... some movie. I can't even remember what...

Then, this morning - we woke up at 3:30 to hit up JCPenney and get the little snowglobe (a holiday tradition), ran to Wal*Mart for DVDs and bought 15 of them for ~$70 (another tradition... which got a little more expensive this year :( usually it's just $1-5 each)... ate Sonic and hit up Bed, Bath & Beyond for those huggable hangers, frolicked around JCPenney more casually - grabbing a few long sweaters for me - and a comforter set that I've had my eye on for a while now.



We also went to Yankee Candle Co. and I got a tart warmer and a few jar candles that were on sale.

Oh man, and then came home... watched tropic thunder and passed the eff outtttttt. Woke up, continued the holiday gluttony and watched journey to the center of the earth in 3D.


Anyhoo, now the hubby is fighting going to sleep, but I have a feeling he'll pass out reaaaaaaaaally soon.

^_^

It's been SO great.

...I made 12 mini-pies from scratch this morning...
They taste sort of like walnut-brownies with a pecan pie consistency... all cute and muffin sized.

...and I have a TON of food in the fridge - from adobong baka to meat sauce for pasta...

but I have no appetite... I just cook because I'm bored. REALLY bored.

I'm also re-learning italian and playing guitar again... while reading a few books here and there.

...............................did i mention, i'm BORED?

T_T.

It's like I'm stuck in the 'burbs...

I officially miss trips to the beach, tourist watching, frolicking about and riding the trolley, pretending I am a tourist... and being able to walk to various bars, establishments and whatnot.

I miss the Coronado bridge... and waiting to hear if there's someone who wants to jump off it today.. I miss having access to GREAT knives at low-low prices... and I miss pappalecco and the rest of Little Italy... and yeah.

I'm not really homesick, just sort of feel like I'm displaced and want to hop in the car and drive back, just because I'm bored.

I think I'll take a bubble bath :)

Today, Tony and I went to Target to get some errands done, and while there - I showed him the blanket sleepers/footsies that I saw when Stacey and I were there during the week...

So I went and tried them on, because they were on sale!!! FOR $10!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!??? ...and it turned out that the girl's XL fit me perfectly!!!

I snagged a cute one in light blue, with kittens on it - then I saw in the boys' department - a superduper cool one with space rockets on it with stars that would glow-in-the-dark! Thinking they were the same sizing as the girls, I grabbed an XL and we ran home.

Got home to find out that the boys' sizes were definitely larger than the girls... and the XL ended up fitting TONY~!!!

So, now we have onesies to flop around the house in - and we took naps in them... ^_^ He really likes his, but he's embarrassed to tell anyone because it makes him less manly or something.

WHATEVER.

I think it's awesome.

Here's what they look like: 





....at $10 each!!! I might have to go back and get a couple more, just "in case". <33333!

So life in Georgia has been pretty good to me.

Aside from random racist encounters and the like - I love our new apartment and can't wait to finish unpacking. I have about five more boxes to go. T_T

SO TIRED OF IT though!! haha.

I'm dragging through this last bit and it's insane. I think I'll plow through a good amount today.

The wives that I've made friends with so far are awesome. They're low key, like I am - and aren't drama whores. I met one of those at the barracks the other day and she put me off like a Harry Potter vomit-flavored jellybean.  

The weekends have been great, because I've been able to see Tony and all in all, things have been good.

I've also been making full use of my fabulous kitchen... SO great! I make homemade corn tortillas at the drop of a dime, know how to make biscuits from scratch... made my first creamed chicken & biscuits dish from the leftovers... and have been SO excited about it all, I can't wait to make tamales this Christmas!!

I'm not going to lie though, I do miss SOME people... and I don't like waking up and saying to myself "Maybe I'll go to Old Town today!" just to realize that Old Town - San Diego - is 2,280 miles away. MEH. ....I wish I could have moved it with me. :)

Yesterday was awesome... I went to Fort Gordon around 10-ish and hung out with Tony for a long while.

Poor boogie wasn't feeling so good... his roomie gave him something where he's kind of got a cold, but is also constantly dizzy and dehydrated... don't know what it is, but I tried to make things easier on him. We had to buy him new shoes because he couldn't exchange his (paperwork bureaucracy mumbo jumbo)... and then we went to the PX and Commissary to buy some supplies for the house.

I got a pyrex dish, wooden cooking utensils, a cutting board and a nice knife so that I can still make food for myself while I wait for my cookware set from Amazon.com to arrive in the mail and all my appliances to come with the movers.

Today... I get to sign him out again - and I'm going to bring lunch. I made chicken with potatoes, broccoli and cheese in the oven and I'm going to pack up some orange juice and potato chips. It's a pretty low key meal, but at least it's homemade and not DFAC food. :)

I really hope he gets to phase up soon - when he does, they'll allow him to move into the apartment with me and drive the car... it'll be REALLY nice to have him back so that when he's sick - I can take care of him without having to go on base.

:)

 My apartment complex that I'm moving into is fabulous.

Here's a picture of the floorplan


The rundown on the place: 
Gated Community
3rd Floor - 2Br2Ba w/ Security System
Balcony
Washer/Dryer 
Dishwasher
Garden Tubs w/ tiled accents
Complimentary Continental Breakfast @ The Clubhouse
Internet Cafe on premises
Business Center w/ complimentary copies/faxing
Pool w/ wi-fi
Complimentary Movie Check-Out
Complimentary Bottled Water Delivery
Complimentary Package Acceptance
Extensive grounds crew and five pet zones that are regularly monitored for cleanliness
10 minutes away from Fort Gordon and 15 minutes away from Downtown Augusta.
Also near restaurants, shopping centers and grocery.

Oh, and it's such a new complex that google maps doesn't even have the street. :)

I'm pretty excited to say the least...

 

More pictures here... :)


I'm already on his orders to move out to GA - so I'll be out there once transportation gets a hold of me. *EEEH!!!*

The past few days have turned out absolutely better than I could have ever imagined.

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"Freedom is acquired by conquest, not by gift. It must be pursued constantly and responsibly. Freedom is not an ideal located outside of man; nor is it an idea which becomes myth. It is rather the indispensable condition for the quest for human completion." - Freire 

I took a personality test and apparently, I'm an ENFJ

E	N	F	J
Strength of the preferences %
22	38	62	11

Old friends talking to me on the phone have been exclaiming how different I've become in the time that's passed...

Thinking on it, the girl who was going to do great things hasn't disappeared..... her priorities have just been rearranged.

= = = = = = = = = =

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As I write this entry, it's 7:45 and a comfortable 70* out at La Jolla Cove... most of the tourists from the US Open have returned home by now and the traffic has fallen back to its usual routine.

I'm sitting by Casa Beach... watching the seals sleep... and I can't help but think that it's ridiculous that these peaceful seals can be something people war against in court.

I'll be heartbroken on the day that I return here and there are disgusting fat tourists' children waddling around – rather than these delightfully wiggly creatures playing in the surf.

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I found myself laughing in the car while I was by myself today while remembering a conversation Tony and I had the other night.

We were driving by the horse park in Del Mar and I, being me - and having to announce the presence of any animal that comes into my view - exclaimed "Wow, look at how white that horse is! One day, I'd like to own a one."

Antonio, rememberiing my unicorn article, glances at me and stoicly says

"Abby, if you stay with me - I'll buy you a horse just like that, paint a carrot white and glue it to its forehead."

....AHAHAHAHA.

i don't know what's funnier - the fact that he stated it so seriously, or that i KNOW he'd do it.

Lately, I've been picking up a book by Malcolm Gladwell entitled "Blink - the power of thinking without thinking"... and i agree with a lot of it. I found myself relating to much of what was said - specifically taking note that these were methods I used to implement, and need to remember.
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This weekend was wonderful, marvelous even.

...and it was because, for once, he let go - for an extended amount of time and I had the best time that I've had in a while.

On Saturday, Tony let me drag him to the Greek Festival at St. Spyridon... and I got to treat him to Athenian beer, Souvlaki (Skewers), Moussaka (An Eggplant/Meat baked delicacy), Dolmathes (Grape leaves stuffed with rice & meat in an egg-lemon sauce), Saganaki (Pan-fried cheese on Pita), Spanakopitas (Spinach & Cheese stuffed Phyllo), Tyropitas (Cheese stuffed Phyllo), Galaktoboureko (Custard between Phyllo), Kourambiethes (Butter Cookies Dusted with Powdered Sugar),.. etc.

Then... we hopped in the car, got lost around downtown, then the bay, until we found our way to Humphrey's and listened to the Beach Boys while we sat on the lawn staring at the stars and making friends with those around us.

It was fabulous to share that kind of simple happiness that comes from trying to stay warm while you're outside just enjoying the moment with the one you love. Honest to goodness fun, not caring what others think of you, while you're singing along and being a goofball... There's nothing better than that to me.

Those are the moments in life that I once lived for, and never thought I'd have it again... at least, not with Tony.

I'm so glad that I was proven wrong... and that he's giving a REAL heartfelt effort that is making a difference.

I once had a friend who told me that I was once the most in the *NOW* person they ever met... not wasting my energies in what was not the present, while seeing the beauty in everything and appreciating things for what they were... when he told me this, I had already fallen into a world of fast-forwards and rewinding... replaying and re-recording in my head... so I didn't understand.

Now, I do.

I actually feel myself coming back, more and more, and I notice that I've missed loving life so much. I miss seeing vivid colors... feeling joy wholeheartedly... and I'm deeply happy that it's looking like Antonio might be able to experience that with me for the first time in *his* life.

I just made up a batch of unleavened bread that was YUMMY.

...then Tony called and gave me an awesome suggestion that has made the house smell incredibly delicious.

I had said something to the effect that maybe I'll try mixing in some freshly minced basil to see how that might turn out in the tiny crackers I was making - and he was like, throw some tomatoes in it too - and let's see what that tastes like...

so i minced up a few leaves of basil and some sun-dried tomatoes and mixed it in the dough...
and now i can't wait to eat it!!

even better, is that it's a totally healthy snack.

The recipe:
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i got a pretty damn good laugh out of this. freaking AWESOME.

i've decided to take control over those who view the world as i've seen it...
(that which i've captured.)

( ...for there was once 'Art in Writing'... )
= = = = =
i'm stepping back a bit for a fresh new start.

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